


Have Been and Always Shall Be

by greenbloodedcomputer



Series: I Have Been and Always Shall Be Yours [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 20:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6255061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenbloodedcomputer/pseuds/greenbloodedcomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one on the deck said a word. Jim wept on the floor near his best friend’s corpse. Leonard said nothing.</p><p>---</p><p>Leonard's reaction to Spock's death at the conclusion of Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have Been and Always Shall Be

Leonard couldn’t breath.

At first, he thought he was going to black out. He was suffocating from an unidentifiable heaviness that was falling over his body like a lead blanket and he found he was physically unable to stand any longer. Strong, rough arms encircled his tiny frame and the doctor leaned into Scotty just before collapsing entirely. Some vague echoes of concern sounded from somewhere nearby and he realized the engineer was talking to him. Telling him to call the captain. Call Jim. 

But Leonard couldn’t take his eyes off of his husband long enough to get to the communicator. Spock’s broken, defeated frame was crumpled on the far side of the compartment facing away from the engineering crew. Leonard found himself reaching for the door without another thought, but once again Scotty pulled him into an embrace. “Yeh cannae open the compartment,” he said quietly. Leonard heard his words, but adrenaline hadn’t yet kicked in. The situation was almost dreamlike and he found himself desperately confused as to why they couldn’t just...let him out. 

A small voice in his head whispered to him. _Ship out of danger._ He nodded, though Spock couldn’t see him, and absently his fingers closed around the cloth of Scotty’s uniform.

_Yea, baby._

Spock didn’t turn toward him, but the physical pain was starting to seep through their bond. The radiation was eating away at him, poisoning him. Leonard almost reached for the door again. 

_Jim._

Finally, his Starfleet training took over and he pulled himself out of Scotty’s arms and over to the communicator. “Jim, I think you’d...better get down here. Better hurry.” His words were shaky and his eyes never left the flooded compartment, but as soon as Jim arrived Bones threw himself at his best friend in a desperate attempt to save him from the same fate. “NO! You’ll flood the whole compartment!” Jim froze, confused and upset, looking horribly distraught to his doctor, silently begging for any good news or semblance of hope that McCoy had provided for him so many times before. 

Leonard had nothing for him.

“It’s too late.”

It was like a scene from a horror movie. When Spock turned around any hope for saving him drained from Leonard’s body along with his remaining emotion. His husband was severely burnt, staggered across the floor, crashing into the glass near where their captain was pressing himself closer and closer to his dying first officer. His voice was faint, raspy, and the sound pierced Leonard’s heart with pure pain that was indescribable. Across their bond, Spock was fading. He was being ripped away from Leonard’s soul in the most violent way. His thoughts were scattered and emotional, drenched with longing to communicate final thoughts to Jim, to Leonard, to everyone in still the most efficient and logical way, but Spock could not think of how to speak. And so with a final press of the revered Vulcan salute, he passed. Leonard could feel the exact moment that green-blooded heart stopped beating. The human’s heart also stopped, if only for a moment, and he found himself devoid of all emotion, all feeling, all care, all knowledge...he was a shell, filled only with the overwhelming pain of loneliness, abandonment, and a primal urge to protect and avenge his mate. His reaction seemed cold on the outside -- his face was entirely blank. He did not move. He did not speak. His only action was to swallow the bile that had crept up from his throat. No one on the deck said a word. Jim wept on the floor near his best friend’s corpse. Leonard said nothing. 

They remained that way for twenty minutes or more until more people began to arrive. The bridge crew, supposedly struck by curiosity, made their way down. People began to talk. Jim stood, gathering his infamous strength and courage and taking command of his ship once again. Among the whir of quiet conversation and the buzz of confusion, Leonard remained still, eyes drilling into the red-clad body sprawled onto the floor. He didn’t wonder why no one was retrieving him. His prince. Surely, the radiation was still too dangerous. 

After what seemed like hours more, Leonard vaguely felt hands on him. They began to guide him away from the body. When Spock was out of eyeshot, panic struck through him, but outwardly he didn’t react. Distantly, he was aware of Uhura pulling him from Engineering. In the silence of the lift Leonard could hear his own breathing. For the first time in nearly thirty years he was alone in his own body and mind. It was a dreadful feeling.

He was brought to sickbay, presumably in case he reacted violently. They sat him on a biobed and pulled a curtain around him. Uhura embraced him and left a kiss on his cheek. He remained still. Christine attempted to speak with him, but quickly gave up. He was left on his own. 

The funeral followed quickly after. Leonard stood to the captain’s left, as was customary for the spouse of the deceased, and didn’t make a sound the entire time. He stood at attention, eyes never leaving the casket, mind never ceasing to search for its lost mate. 

After the ceremony, Jim followed him back to his quarters. In was unspoken, but there was no doubt that neither of them could bear to be alone. As he entered, it seemed almost as if the entire ordeal had been one big nightmare. Spock’s belongings were still where he had left them. Their room looked the same, smelled the same, felt the same, and as Leonard undid the buttons on his coat he almost felt as though he were simply ending a normal shift and about to crawl into bed with Spock as normal. 

He stripped to his undershirt and boxers and sat on the edge of the bed. The silence between them was natural and the feeling of unfaltering companionship was all he could ask for. Jim also undressed and approached him tenderly. 

It wasn’t until they were face to face that Leonard truly realized what was happening. Jim stood directly in front of him and placed a gentle hand on the doctor’s knee. “Bones…” For the first time in his life, Jim Kirk lacked the words to express how he was feeling. He opened his mouth a few times, but nothing escaped. Finally, Leonard allowed his eyes to come back into focus and they traveled up to look into Jim’s face.

He had obviously been crying. They all had. He looked exhausted, disheveled, and broken. How long had it been since the events in engineering? Seeing Jim’s face drove the fact in harder than any other evidence. Spock was gone. Dead. Forever. Just like that they were alone. He was alone. 

Leonard broke down then. With a pitiful wail, he threw himself face first into Jim’s stomach and grabbed tightly at his shirt. Tears drenched his face within a matter of seconds and he found himself gasping for air through violent sobs. Leonard’s whole body shook with agony. Almost immediately, Jim dropped to his knees and took Leonard’s face in his hands. The doctor did everything he could to pull away, to hide himself, but Jim took charge of the situation. 

“Bones! It’s okay...please...listen to me!” Every time he caught some of the words they just made him more upset. He cried harder. Eventually, he began to hyperventilate. The darkness around him was pressing in and he gasped for air, but not too often, because darkness taking him would be too sweet. Jim pulled placed a hand on either side of his face and pulled them together until their foreheads were touching. He shushed the doctor gently, wiping his tears away with his thumbs and breathing deeply and calmly. They remained this way for close to an hour until Leonard finally began breathing normally. 

After the crying stopped completely, he felt nothing. Once again, he was empty of everything except exhaustion and a sharp pain in his head. Jim pulled his frail, limp body up onto the bed and pulled the covers up before climbing in after him. Leonard rolled onto his side away from him and curled up into a ball. Tears welled up again and dropped onto Spock’s pillow beneath his head. He sniffled pathetically to himself until he felt Jim curl around him protectively. One strong arm held him close in a way that was comforting, but so physical, so limited, and so human. Nevertheless, he stayed close, praying to God to make the pain stop. 

That night he heard whispers in his dreams of an all too familiar voice. _Help me, Leonard. Take me home._


End file.
